did I ever tell you guys about how when I moved into my first apartment my dad’s move-in present for me was this bomb tee-ball bat that’s fuckin legit as hell and bright pink and hello kitty themed?
he gave it to me and said
"this is just so that if anyone ever tries to mess with you, after you’ve kicked their ass you can stand over them and knock their lights out and the last thing they’ll see is the cute and unforgiving face of hello kitty"
a+ parenting folks
The Hemsworth brothers, Tom Hanks, and Meryl Streep star in a 1:00 “Charlie Bit My Finger” spoof
is thiS FOR REAL DID THEY ACTUALY TAKE THE TIME TO DO THIS I CAN NOT HANDLE
OH MY FUCKING GOD
[Mads Mikkelsen] on political correctness: He is rather more dismissive of the current surge of must-see Danish crime series on television. Too politically correct, in his opinion, with all those feisty, polymath policewomen pursuing bad guys into dark basements. “That doesn’t happen! I don’t mind – the girls are great actors and it’s great there is a medium where they get work – but there has to be a balance between what is real and not real. I will never be a fan of any kind of political correctness: I think it’s instant death to creativity.” (x)
ok that’s enough hannibal
literally i think that koujaku would seriously be the type of person to be like??? REALLY SCANDALIZED UPON HEARING A DIRTY JOKE LIKE oh my god do you kiss your mother with that mouth?? there are children around for god’s sakes aOBA WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS
when you and your friend say the same thing at the same time
#ahsdgdh #also for some reason this really makes me want a musical episode #working episode title: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Precinct #dfkdfk can you picture the opening number #‘It’s Murder Watson!’ #[INT. DAY. soft lazy strings as joan raises her head from her pillow; squints at her alarm clock; rolls over to go back to sleep] #[but a moment later the music begins to swell and we hear the thud-thud-thud of feet running up the stairs] #[joan pulls her pillow over her head and mumbles ‘nrrrg’ just as - ] #[BAM - the door bursts open and the band kicks in enthusiastically] #sherlock: ‘it’s murder watson!’ #‘they found him in a subway station; middle-forties male caucasian; no signs of an altercation; no apparent cause of death’ #‘but upon examination his arms displayed some odd abrasions; i’m quite convinced of crime most brazen’ #‘come on watson shake a leg - it’s murder watson; murder!’ #joan crawls out from under the heap of clothes sherlock has piled on her as sherlock whirls away to assemble his detectiving tools #joan brushing her teeth in front of the bathroom mirror; singing about how at least she got a good six hours #and how this better not be another three-pipe problem (what sherlock got into the habit of calling them back when he er. got into the habit) #on the refrain - KNOCK KNOCK on the bathroom door & joan mouths along smiling to herself: ‘it’s murder watson!’ #KITCHEN: high-speed morecombe & wise synchronised breakfast-making as sherlock tries to hurry joan along #quizzing her on her lessons until she shoves a piece of toast in his mouth #she discovers clyde lurking in the breadbin and hands him off to sherlock who swoops him away to his terrarium #‘it’s murder clyde!’ #sherlock helps joan into her coat; joan wrestles sherlock into a scarf; sherlock dashes back into the living room for his phone #‘now who’s the slowpoke? hurry up sherlock!’ #‘yes yes i know!’ they bluster out the door. ‘it’s murder watson!’ #…………. #awkwardly shuffles away #elementary #elementasquee
a girl’s feet will tangle yours under sheets you just bought for a night like this. the price tag is still glued to the plastic wrapping stuffed underneath the bed. her feet are frigid and feel like frostbite against your legs when you fall asleep, but they’re like mittens roasted over a fire when the sun blinks through the curtains.
a girl’s legs are taut and thick. they’re flexible and enclose you in a straightjacket at 2 am when they knot around your waist and pull you just a little closer. if she’s still sleeping, it’s even better.
her thighs will make you forget about your calculus homework and your french exam. they will make you forget about your father’s affair or your best friend’s disorders. they will make you forget your name and they will make you forget who you are without them. hold them as tight as you can. i promise, she loves it.
when you were in fourth grade, they taught you stop, drop, and roll at the sign of a fire. when you’re in her bedroom on the second floor, her quivering hips will trick-start a similar fire in your teeth, and you’re going to want to listen to your fourth grade teacher, but don’t. if you stop, whatever it may be that you’re doing, she might kill you.
so in health class, they’re supposed to teach you that your hands will never fit somewhere like they will on a girl’s waist. it doesn’t matter if it’s wide and soft, or small and hard. your hands will adapt to her waist like the heart to your blood. they’ll feel as natural as fingers on an instrument.
sometimes you can see her ribs; sometimes you can’t. they flicker like an old grainy movie under her skin, and they feel like sharp magma in your palms. they’re structure — they protect her. hold her there if you want her to feel like this house isn’t caving in on herself.
her chest. promise her you’d never want anything more or anything less. if you don’t mean it, stop reading, and find someone else.
taste her collarbone. dip in the crevices and valleys and plant trees at the bottom. root down, cherish the nature, and never ever underestimate a girl’s collarbones. they’re a place to sleep when its -11 outside. write scripts on her collarbone. they are forever.
if you don’t know blueprints to her neck with your eyes closed from tracing it with your mouth, you’re doing it wrong. learn it. memorize it. you better know her pulse like counting with your dominant hand. kiss it like it’s her mouth. her neck will change over time, yes. but make sure you can change with it.
kiss her before she brushes her teeth. make fun of her morning breath. kiss her after, and make fun of the flavor of her toothpaste. kiss her when she’s angry and throwing the vase your mother bought her, and kiss her when she can’t stand and she bubbles over with tears like hot water. kiss her if she’s laughing and tell her it’s because she makes you happy. kiss her if she won’t stop talking because you want to taste her voice. kiss her when she isn’t talking because you miss it. kiss her in the shower and kiss her everywhere. if it’s raining, kiss her, and kiss her again when she calls you a cliche. kiss her in public because you want them all to know, and kiss her in private because you don’t need them to either. god, just kiss her on the mouth. nothing else matters. just fucking kiss her.
10 Body Parts || izztstei
This was so incredibly sexy I had to sit down at work…
if they dont play ‘year 3000’ at least once on the new year’s of 3000 i will literally rise out of my grave and set everyone on fire
"you’re all posers" i say to the models. they are very good at their job
if I lay here
If I just lay here
would you lie with me and
just forget the world
jay fell asleep eating french fries again and made a spilly spill
Oh my God are you seriously questioning all your acquaintances loudly as to whether or not they’re bisexual because you’re determined to prove that it’s ‘cool’ and girls are really liars
No one has to validate their sexuality to you!!! ! !!
are girls still pretending they don’t masturbate?
I dunno, is society still teaching girls that anything related to their genitals is dirty and impure?
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground